its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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