theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
