You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
