i jhust puked up my retainher.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
