it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
