Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
