he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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