Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
