1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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