he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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