I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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