I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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