Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
