take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
