proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
