the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
