Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
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More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
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we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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