highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
