they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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