i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
