What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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