I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
