Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
