ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
