My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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