my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize