i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
