I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
