My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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