after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
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Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
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you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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