When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
