So drunk, too bad you don't want this
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
