I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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