Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
