I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
