Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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