I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
