I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
