Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
