I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
