this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
