one word: firstdatebathroomanal
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
