My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
