I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
