it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
we're so committed to being not committed
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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