i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
