Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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