I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
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I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
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I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
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