Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
This is my gift to your gina
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
