Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
