remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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