i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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