This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
