i think my mom watched the whole time
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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