Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
