Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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