i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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